Ebony Masked

Although I’m not as far up the scale as I usually am right now when it comes to stress, I feel the need to write everything out since my mind is about to explode any minute.

  • Contrary to popular rants about procrastination, I am a workaholic. I feel incredibly horrible that I’m not able to spend as much time as I’d like to with my friends and family. Though this may be normal for many people in the world, I don’t think it’s right to be feeling this way at 16. If days were longer, I honestly wouldn’t mind doing well in school, going to work, extracurriculars AND at the same time be able to spend time with my family and friends. Unfortunately, they’re not. 
  • I wish I was able to blog my rants on my public blog. Sometimes I consider typing out things there so that others would be able to feel my pain and I wouldn’t feel as alone as I do, yet I’m trying to keep up with an image of perfection. I don’t really want anyone to see this side of me. I want to maintain that happy-go-lucky girl reputation that I’ve developed.
  • Dang, I thought I had more. Back to socials I guess!

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I know I need to wake up in four hours or so, but I really can’t bring myself to sleep with such a heavy heart. I guess I still haven’t learned my lesson. Who am I to expect such things from you? All I ever do is set myself up for disappointment. 

Unexpected Visits

Honestly now.. Curse inspiration and it’s awful timing! Why do you always seem to vanish when I seek you, and decide to come around only when i’m in the midst of doing something? No need for complaints though, I’m thankful! This motivation to do everything can only lead to good. With that being said, good night everyone! Lots to do later on today!

Desperate Calls

My eternal struggle? Figuring out which direction to tackle life. Progress requires movement; advancement; forward movement - but, regardless of which direction I take a step toward, I feel constantly surrounded. Each step consists of a new war to fight; a new batch of foes. I’m not exactly sure which to fight off first. If I win a battle on the East, the North, West and South borders suffer. Likewise, if one part of my life is thriving, all the other parts are at their downfall. I’m crying out for world peace. 

So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
Matthew 6:34

Lack of Rest = Restless

Can I just have one weekend of actual rest? I can’t even look forward to weekends anymore because all they are to me is a source of constant disappointment. I feel like weekends in general have become overrated. It seems as though everyone looks forward to the weekend but me. Once upon a time I looked forward to them too, until I found myself disappointed on Sunday morning at how quickly it went by. Two days of “rest” or so they call it, is not enough if a whole day of the weekend is spent doing homework. So much for the CEC’s so called four day weekend too.. All I remember was doing homework on Thursday and Friday because teachers decided, “Oh it’s a four day weekend, I’m going to double on the homework load”. My days of “rest” only ever become “do as much of the remaining work you still have to do, before the week begins and you receive the next pile of work to do”. Sigh. Can someone just take me away from here?

Without A Word

Is it possible to pray hypocritically? I know it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense because how can you really be a hypocrite if you’re not physically talking or doing anything? All I know is that I’ve been regularly finding myself in this puzzled position - questioning whether what I’ve been doing is right or wrong. This instance isn’t the first time I’ve had thoughts about this either, but it’s the first time that these thoughts came out clear. Sometimes I visit the Church after school because it’s the only other place I’ve come to know, besides my room at dawn, where all of my distractions just shut off. It’s especially calming when the Church is dim and unoccupied. There, I come to pray… but the words I say in my mind, and the words that come from my heart don’t seem to agree. Sometimes I think to myself and I would ask the Lord for patience to accept and understand His will for me, but deep down, my heart prays for the Lord to answer my prayer - to follow my will. How is it that without speaking a single word, I can contradict myself? 

Perseverance > Perfection

I guess I spoke too soon. (Pertaining to my post on reluctance and love) It’s so frustrating when you feel like for once, this might actually lead somewhere and it actually ends up crashing in a mere matter of days. It all happens way too often and is so uncalled for. Am I just being impatient? Was I just expecting too much? Expectations leading to disappointments have become the epitome of my high school life. Sometimes, I don’t even understand why I feel the need to talk to myself about this. None of this is new stuff. 

So in the words of Paula Correa, “Who wouldn’t want to date a girl who is smart, talented, can sing, can act, is a part of everything, takes photos and goes on adventures? The man who captures your heart would be ever so lucky. They’d never ever be bored with you.” To be honest, I’m quite glad that my friends are able to see me in that sense. Those words are exactly how I wish to appeal to everyone. Unfortunately to most people, the sound of my name just seems scary and complicated. I feel like being a part of almost everything, people - particularly guys, see me as a problem waiting to happen. I mean, who would want to date a girl who stresses out about the smallest things? Who would want to date a girl who is too ‘goody-goody’ for her own good? Who would want to date a girl who practically has no time because she is a part of everything? Who would want to date a girl who appears to be crying whenever I lay my eyes on her? It’s all just a problem waiting to happen. She’s not worth it. She’s not worth pursuing because well, she’s just way too complicated. Am I right? 

Why is it that though my standards are so simple and so distant from ‘shallow’, I still find it more difficult to find “something special”? What do I look for? Well, my standards are based upon my dad. A plain guy with a big heart, my dad is the definition of a man. In general, all I really want is someone who is family-oriented, someone who is genuine, kind and understanding, someone who has dreams and aspirations, and someone who will take the time and effort to pursue me. Obviously the last point, being the hardest to find. Most situations that I come across kick off so well, but in a matter of weeks, days even, no one seems to stay because, well I guess I don’t show signs of interest. (One of my unwanted qualities) But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t stick around! All I really wanted is for someone to stay… For someone to think that I’m ‘worth it’ enough to stay. If they’ll stay through that, it pretty much tells me that they can withstand anything. But honestly, none of that “good looking, good at singing and dancing, smart” crap. I’ve never been one to seek perfection. All I want is a little perseverance.  

My Serene Escape

According to young children, it’s the “late hours of evening”. According to typical adults, it’s the “early hours of morning”. According to me, it’s the only few hours of the day that I ever find myself calm and untroubled. Absolute silence, all distractions covered in the dark, a dim night light on the left and laptop at hand, it’s the only time I face no disturbance, no pressure, nothing but the feeling of freedom and serenity.